My 30s have been hard.
Outside of the many incredible blessings in my life like amazing people, access to nature, some marvelous adventures, celebrations, deep growth, basic needs and my sister and friends blessing me with nieces and nephews… My 30s have been hard.
I’ve been consumed with healing…
Very privately, I’ve been managing chronic illness since my early twenties that turned life threatening and disabling in my 30s. Stealing years of my life, tethered to bi-monthly IV infusions indefinitely. I’ve been fighting for a vital life and shifting from a victim of disease to a student of it. Manically cracking the codes of health from every POV: holistic, allopathic, alternative, energetic, esoteric with every subcategory and remedy explored and implemented as if my life depended on it… because it did. I am finally in a place where I can maintain remission and control arising symptoms through natural medicine, remedies and detoxing protocols but my everyday lifestyle choices are crucial to remain stable. Lack of discipline is not an option. I’ve also been doing the grievous work with professionals and alone to heal PTSD from childhood trauma… abandonment, foster care, neglect, psychological abuse, intergenerational trauma etc. All of which is undeniably entangled with my physical ailments. Grimly consumed alchemizing pain into screenplays and embodying every practice and principle possible to release all malady from my body, mind and spirit. Living with discomfort, facing every part of me… yet grateful for the evolution.
I’ve been consumed with uncertainty…
Although uncertainty is a part of life, I have been navigating the unpredictable demands and climate of the entertainment industry as an actor/writer/filmmaker during a historically tumultuous time… unrecovered from a pandemic, strikes, etc. (Let alone the years I was too sick to work.) Savings dwindling and other than some disability checks the cash flow and work flow I had in Chicago turned into droplets in Los Angeles. Falling short of cultural and personal standards. I left a thriving stable career to pursue a creative calling and without the sweet fruit of “big success” the gamble decays, leaving your village with blank stares of concern and masked judgement. To be fair, when I rolled these dice 11 years ago, I didn’t imagine landing at the intersection of a health crisis and global collapse. (…But honestly, it does seem to be part of a bigger plan…)
However, more recently, I’ve endured severe identity theft and bank fraud that shattered my foundational sense of safety, security and privacy. This was the event that shot me down, obliterating my nervous system and flaring my health condition, both of which I have been rigorously working to understand and stabilize for years. I have always been fairly resilient and optimistic regardless of life challenges but to experience people out in the world actively attacking my security, privacy and finances over and over and over again… that evil dissolved the ground under my feet. Poisoning me with a ‘permanent’ paranoia.
So without getting into all the details- it has been a lot. A storm of too much, for too long with fresh strikes of lightning. I reached a breaking point where I was malfunctioning, depression made longer visits and death began to seem like relief.
While depending on my mental health tools just to get through every hour, I decided to go inward… yet again. As a devoted student of Truth, energy, science, metaphysics, mysticism, philosophy, psychology, nature, theology, vitality… I felt called to wholly deconstruct “peace” to better understand how to cultivate more of it in its absence. Not just more nervous system regulation remedies, I am talking about the fabric, the engine, the dimension, the origin of PEACE. If I am going to live this one life I refuse to spend most of it suffering.
With my safety violated, I was exhausted and defeated with a punctured root chakra, neglecting my spiritual practices. I could feel my higher-self bitch slapping me to find a path and walk it till I found some light. Having been a daily meditator for years, I knew I needed to climb out of the quick sand to reconnect with the clarity, calm and wisdom it has always brought me. Synchronistically, my good friend told me about Vipassana meditation courses. Where ten full days are strictly dedicated to learning this ancient mediation technique for the cost of a donation. A technique to help discover truth and a path out of misery. I immediately signed up for a ten-day course at the Southern California Vipassana Center. A retreat style course where talking was forbidden as well as phones, music, reading and writing. A practice in noble silence to observe deeply without distraction. To be honest, the digital and dopamine detox alone seemed invaluable to my brain and mental health. To have my phone locked in a vault for ten days was already feeling like I was on the right path to peace. Knowing that many people quit the course by day 3, I was nervous but fully accepted the challenge!…?
A couple months and extra doctor appointments later, I arrived at the meditation center outside of Joshua Tree and cried to my partner with fatigued nerves. I apologized to him for how hard it must be to live with someone so ill, stressed and depressed these past years. He has had to witness the coaster of chronic dis-ease, the chains of trauma, the drudgery of unfulfilled potential and the unhinged frenzy of fraud. I promised him that I will do whatever it takes to find more answers to live a more harmonious life. He commended my courage, validated my strength and expressed his beliefs in a better future. After calling all my banks and services to add extra security while I am unreachable, we say our goodbyes and I am left standing in silence with the dry heat of the desert.
For the next ten days, I sat in meditation for about 100 hours (10 hours a day) from 4:30am to 9pm, confronted with nothing but myself, my thoughts, sensations and raw truths bubbling beneath.
Vipassana, which means “to see things as they really are,” is an ancient method taught by the Buddha over 2,500 years ago. Transformation through observation, nonsectarian and open to anyone. Its practice is built on three pillars:
Sīla (ethical conduct)- grounding us in virtue and moral living.
Samādhi (concentration)- training the mind to focus steadily.
Paññā (gained wisdom)- the insight that comes from direct experience, seeing reality as it is.
The root cause of suffering (Dukkha), Buddhism teaches, lies in ignorance, attachment, CRAVING and AVERSION. The constant longing for what we desire, the push to avoid what we dislike and attachment to what we have or lack. From our very first breath, these habits take root beneath the surface of our conscious mind, conditioned through countless repeated patterns of reaction (Saṅkhāra). For it’s in a baby’s nature to react to cravings and aversions to communicate to survive.
Vipassana’s technique offers a way to observe the body’s sensations, the direct link to these subconscious habit patterns. Every reaction of craving or aversion that keeps us miserable is triggered from the subconscious that then creates a biological response/sensation in the body. For example, you drive an old car- your dream car in your favorite color pulls up next to you- you want it but can’t afford it (craving)- subconscious is triggered- the body produces sensations such as an ache in your stomach, pressure in your head, increased respiration, etc. You react by shaming yourself, you dismiss a loved one, you sit in a freeze state for 10 minutes dwelling on all the things you don’t have, you have a bad mood the rest of the day etc. Another example, someone offends you- you don’t like it (aversion)- your subconscious is triggered and your body starts to produce a sensation- such as heat in your chest, tingling in your face, perspiration, etc. When you have this wave of sensation you then react with breaking something, replaying the event in your head for a week, punching the person, verbal assault, etc. It can happen instantaneously, 0 to 100, trapped in the process of reaction. However, every sensation that may be triggered is temporary and rises to pass away. Each sensation rising and passing away provides an opportunity: when we bring mindful awareness to the physical sensations of cravings and aversions, avoid reaction and maintain equanimity, we break the chain. We weaken the unconscious habit loop that fuels suffering.
”When I observe myself and find that I am generating anger, ill will, or animosity, I realize that I am the first victim of the hatred or animosity I am generating within myself.” -S.N. Goenka
The first three days of the course focused on Anapana meditation (observing respiration) to strengthen our Samādhi (focus of the mind). Watching the breath to settle the mind and focus with extreme awareness on the sensations of a small part of the body, the space between the nostrils and upper lip. Sharpening our detection of sensation. On day four, we were finally taught the Vipassana technique. With the start of “sits of determination” (Adhitthana), where you sit determined not to move, open your eyes or change posture, my body was kindled having already meditated for several hours that day. Tender and curious, I sat on my simple cushion in the middle of the meditation hall ready to learn ancient Vipassana. Guided by S. N. Goenka’s voice, for the next 2 hours, me and 80 other meditators scanned our body slowly and thoroughly. From the top of the head, scalp, face, down arms, front trunk, back trunk, legs, to the toes… observing every sensation with perfect calm and perfect stillness.
I felt every rising and falling wave of sensation! Tingling, tickling, itching, aching, numbness, hot, cold, pressure. At times it felt like a bug was crawling in my ear and on my face. Tiny pulses, thunderous throbs. Sparks of sense that quickly or slowly passed away. It was a vivid lesson in impermanence, change (Annica). Everything changes, nothing stays the same. I witnessed the natural Law of Impermanence unfold in my own body, moment to moment, subatomic particle to particle, all at once, never ending.
Sitting equanimously still allowed me to observe craving and aversion. Observe the natural law of sensations arising to inevitably die off, without subjecting to the unconscious pattern of misery with a Saṅkhāra (reaction). This was paññā, wisdom gained through insight and direct experience, not intellectualizing: seeing directly the truth of life’s impermanence and the cause of suffering within myself. Experiencing, first hand, a million moments of death, seeing reality as it is versus how I would want it to be. Naturally I don’t want to be sitting in discomfort for hours, my habit reaction would usually be to get up, change positions or itch my face etc… but instead I observed the sensations of discomfort with a focused mind and noticed how the sensations would come and go, come and go. Continuously observing sensation, tuning into the particles of my being, echoing, vibrating, arising, dying, pulsing like a frequency, warping into wave form, warping, warping, dying, dying, purifying, dying, observing, accepting, still, equanimous. Dissolving “My” physical form. Combusting. Combusting with universal truth. Building trust with change…
After this first Vipassana mediation, I was deeply moved. Tears came, tears of release, grief and profound clarity; a cry I had never experienced before. The veil of illusions lifted. I realized the preciousness of life, the reality of misery and the profound strength in letting go of negative reaction to let flow… Flow with the reality of change. Attaining an unwavering peaceful flow in this 3-dimensional life is impossible for the average unenlightened being. More often than not the flow of life is a rapid but either way you are unavoidably being pushed down the current of change. Through Vipassana I didn’t just theorize the current, I swam in it. Paññā! Experiencing the palpable power and truth of surrender versus thinking and striving for the hope of it. Observing nature on a particle level within my own flesh, not analyzing patterns outside of myself.
Keep in mind not every meditation after came even close to being this earth shattering, quite the opposite and it’s imperative to remain equanimous with either the pleasant or unpleasant mediations anyone may have- past, present or future. For if I go into a mediation desiring another intense or profound experience all I am doing is creating substanceless, senseless craving and attachment… feeding the habit of misery.
Vipassana isn’t about escaping or living in pain; it’s about observing and experiencing the truth of reality, no matter how difficult, with steady mindfulness and the acceptance of change. It gave me the insight/paññā that impermanence is the origin of peace because it dissolves the illusion of permanence that the mind desperately clings to. Absence of peace comes when we lack the wisdom to know that the nature of peace isn’t constant. When we fully understand that all cravings, aversions, sensations (pleasant or unpleasant), arise to pass away, that nothing is fixed or solid, a radical freedom opens up. A chance for peace of MIND. Craving peace only feeds the unconscious habit of suffering and only we are responsible for our misery. So what does the sensation of peace even feel like? It is likely different for everyone but for me, it’s slow respiration, a weightless head, a cool chest, cool hands and a subtle tingle in my cheeks that makes me smile… All of which I experience at times when I meditate, watch the sunset, walk on the beach, write, read, get into clean soft sheets, finish yoga or witness a loved one succeed or be celebrated. A sensation I will now feel grateful for when it arises and grateful for when it fades away- knowing it’s nature was to never stay forever. And in that knowing somehow peace stays longer… free of resistance to change.
Through this incredible experience of “10 days and 100 hours”, I have found reassurance in my strength, reconnection to my life force, devotion to walk the path, faith in impermanence, deeper perception of peace, wisdom born from experience and lowkey- a healthier sleep schedule. With my 40s around the corner, I don’t look to the future for a specific upswing to fulfill a craving but instead appreciate the evanescence of the now. As a “student of Truth” and “knowing thyself”, I am starting to open up to sharing more of my learnings through art (hence this essay) to support all beings on their own path of freeing themselves from suffering. Body, mind and/or spirit. Therefore, I shall continue to explore, learn, create, educate, imagine, trial, love and live moment to moment with the awareness and wisdom that: THIS WILL ALSO CHANGE.
“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
For more information on Vipassana courses check out www.Dhamma.org. This is a non-profit, non-sectarian foundation offering courses run by past students who have found this technique valuable to their lives. Centers and courses are available around the world and are the cost of a donation. They provide room and board and the chance for transformation.
Peace. Love.
-TASH
“If there is no peace in the minds of individuals, how can there be peace in the world? Make peace in your own mind first.” -S.N. Goenka
Such an incredible article! Thank you for sharing
BEAUTIFUL SHARE! The spaciousness is where bliss lives. Such a good reminder to create it for ourselves daily, it is counter culture and shouldn’t be. Thanks for sharing your heart and inner world with such vulnerability and clarity.